


It Wasn't Me

by Poesjewel



Series: Lily Amell [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Comics), Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age - The Silent Grove (Comic), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age Origins: Witch Hunt DLC
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Consensual Possession, F/M, Kidnapping, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, some canon divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 02:41:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19454653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poesjewel/pseuds/Poesjewel
Summary: As Lily prepares to have Alistair's child, she learns of Anders'...condition. Can she prevent the self-destruction of the man she loves, or will she also be consumed by the inevitable corruption of Justice?  At a most important time for the King, Alistair falls prey to another wild witch's ambitions, which prompts a witch hunt of his own.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Part TWO in the Lily Amell series, this story starts at the conclusion of Origins: Awakenings, beginning with Origins: Witch Hunt and ending somewhere in Dragon Age II (haven't decided where yet). As usual, I'm going to take creative liberty with alllllll the things, so brace yourself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily discovers Anders' secret, and invites Alistair to Soldier's Peak for the birth.

As the time for the baby's birth grew close, Lily found herself thinking of Morrigan more and more. She wondered if the witch knew enough to be afraid, and if her friend yet regretted her deception. Lily even thought about going back on her word, and trying to find the witch. The child would certainly have been born by now. She felt selfish about it, but also wondered how Alistair thought of the child produced from his night with Morrigan. Would he consider Morrigan's child his heir over hers? _Does he want to know Morrigan's child?_ It was hard to know since... _Morrigan made the choices for him_...just like Lily was doing now. _Shit. I'm just as cruel as Morrigan._ Lily pulled open the desk drawer and removed a piece of parchment. 

**_Alistair,_ **

**_The time is close. Should you wish to be present, I suggest a journey soon. I ask you to travel discreetly._ **

**_Lily_ **

Lily folded the letter, placed it in an envelope, and tucked it inside her coat. She found one of Levi's many relatives, and handed him the note with a purse of gold, to ensure speediest delivery to Denerim. "You will personally hand this to the King. Do you understand? No other hand may touch it."

"As you say, it will be done, Ser," the young man assured her.

"Take care. The matter is both urgent and personal."

Lily looked around the courtyard, hoping to spot Anders, but she didn't. She already knew where he would be found, Avernus' tower. Lily barely saw her withdrawn lover at all these days, draping herself in the loneliness his absence caused. She wasn't unaccustomed to solitude, at times, she even preferred it. But, something about being with someone and still feeling alone, made it a _bad_ thing.

Lily really didn't want to climb the stairs to the tower in her weighted condition, but felt she had no choice, having not even laid eyes on Anders in days. There were always signs of his presence, like the disheveled sheets on his side of the bed, or an empty plate left in the kitchen, but never _him_. Something greatly troubled him, this was obvious to Lily, and anyone else he came into recent contact with. 

Lily cycled through all of the usual self-blaming reasons she could fathom. _He's having second thoughts about being a father to someone else's kid, he's not attracted to a woman with a belly like a bear's, he knows I'm still in love with Alistair..._ She had nothing else to go on, since Anders refused to admit anything was wrong. She couldn't help feeling like she had given him everything he ever wanted, only for him to discover he no longer wanted it. A familiar theme running rampant through Lily's love life. 

Anders, of course, routinely, and passionately, disputed this whenever Lily expressed her concern. His words and actions did not match, and it kept her confused. She wanted to believe him, despite everything else screaming at her, warning her that she shouldn't.

As Lily climbed the last set of steps leading from the keep to the tower catwalk, she stopped and hunched over, trying to catch her breath. She cursed Anders between gasps, and wondered if this was the reason he chose this particular location. _Up a bunch of stairs, is definitely the place I would hide something from a fat woman._

Lily was grateful for the breeze upon the catwalk, and took her time making the length to the tower. Part of her was scared of what would be found there, any number of ridiculous scenarios running through her head at the moment. Part of her wanted to remain ignorant, knowledge could sometimes be a curse. However, she moved forward, seemingly whether she wanted to or not, as if in a trance. Lily opened the tower door, and paused, hearing voices arguing upstairs in the laboratory.

"You don't get it! She is going to find out anyway, and she is all I care about! Lily is the only thing I have ever wanted, and you want me to give that up for what? A foolish crusade?! A war no one can win?! She is the only reason I even agreed to this, and you, you want to take that away?!" Anders shouted furiously.

"The crusade is not mine, it is yours. At least, it should be, if you cared for her at all. However, I maintain that telling her at this point is a mistake. It is too late. She will see you are unstable, and decide we are a threat."

The second voice struck Lily like an arrow directly to the heart... _Justice_. _No! Please, Maker, no!_ Lily fled the tower as if it were on fire. As she descended the first set of steps from the catwalk to the keep, Lily missed a step; but, as she fell, managed to twist her body, and force herself to land on her back. Unfortunately, she hit the ground hard, causing her head to bounce against the floor and render her unconscious.

When she woke, Lily was in her bed. Anders knelt on the floor, both his hands clasped over hers, his forehead pressed against his wrists. "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry, Lily," he whispered.

Lily pulled her hand from his grasp and sat up in bed. 

Anders lifted his head, "Lily!" He tried to assist her, but, again, she pulled away from him. "What's the matter?" Anders asked, eyes wet and confused.

"I heard you. In the tower. Arguing with Justice." Lily wasn't about beating around the bush. "You lied to me!"

"I'm sorry, Lily! I didn't want to lie, I just didn't know what to do! I was terrified of this moment, of how you're looking at me right now."

" _Why_ , Anders?! Why did you do it?"

"Because, we were all going to die! I, I just couldn't let that happen to you!"

Lily wanted to argue with him, insisting he couldn't possibly know what would have happened, but then she'd be the one lying. They _were_ all going to die. "So, all this time we've... _been together_...Justice was in there, too?"

"Yes. But, he goes...somewhere else...when we are intimate."

"Is he listening now?"

"I am," Justice answered through Anders, causing Anders' eyes to glow bright blue.

Lily slapped him across the face. " _How could you?!_ You knew he didn't want that!"

"Would it have been better to let you all die and have the darkspawn win? Anders could not have healed himself. Not without my help," Justice unapologetically retorted. "Ask him, if you do not believe me."

Anders nodded, replying, "I was taking my last breaths."

Frustrated that she couldn't counter their argument, Lily started to cry. "So, in order to save us, I must lose the one I love?! That hardly sounds like a fair trade to me!" She shouted defiantly, as she threw off her blanket and got out of the bed.

"Lily, please, get back in bed," Anders pleaded.

Lily kicked over a chair, and drew her arm across the desk, sending all of the contents to the floor. "Why? You healed me, did you not? I don't feel any pain. _At least not physically,_ " she sarcastically seethed.

Anders recalled the night in Denerim, when they thought Mhairi had been killed. Lily's rage could barely be contained. Locking her within the room wouldn't be possible this time. His only option was to appeal to her concern for the baby. "It is your emotional state that concerns me. You could prompt a premature labor." Anders extended his hand, offering to help her back into bed. Although she refused his assistance still, she acquiesced to his plea. He was unsure at this point which had hurt her worse, the deed, or the lie, but he was almost certain she'd never forgive either. Anders sat on the bed next to her. "Lily, I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore, but please, at least let me stay and help with the birth."

"That's what you think of my love? That I would abandon you when you need me most?"

At first, Anders was sure he had misunderstood. "You, you would still be with me?"

"Anders, I love you. Of course, I want to be here for you, and I'll do whatever I can to help rectify... _this_." Lily narrowed her gaze on him, "But, lie to me again, and you'll wish all I did was slap Justice in the face."

"I fear we only wait out a death sentence," Anders admitted sadly.

Unfortunately, Lily felt the same. "Justice? What do you think?"

"I mean Anders no harm. I suggest we seek out your friend, Wynne," Justice answered.

"The last I saw her was Redcliffe. I suppose I can ask the Circle, they may know where she is now."

Anders bowed his head and shook it, unbelieving of his fortune. "I don't deserve you, or your forgiveness," he insisted, with reluctant tears escaping down his cheek, releasing the weight he had burdened alone all these months.

"My forgiveness, like my heart, is mine to give to whomever I choose."

"You've already given me more than anyone ever has, more than I could even think to ask for."

"Do you think it so one-sided? What about what you've given to me?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean."

Lily's eyes looked on him sympathetically. "Oh, Anders. Do you really not know?"

He shook his head.

"Since the day we met, you made me feel as if I was _already_ enough. It was okay to just be me, flaws and all. I didn't have to be someone's Hero, or Commander, or Queen."

"By flaws, do you mean being a mage?"

"Among other things."

"Like that terrifying temper?"

Lily laughed, "Yeah, like that. Also, you make me laugh, and make it impossible for me to take myself so seriously. When I'm with you, I feel safe, comfortable, wanted, and loved."

"Being a mage isn't a flaw, you know."

"I wish I had always known that, like you."

"If you believe in the Maker, you believe he made all things. Mages included."

"You truly believe in the Maker?"

"Does that surprise you?"

"A little. So many of your swears include Andraste, or some piece of her garments."

Anders laughed, a _full_ laugh, something he hadn't done in months. Unexpected, uncontrolled, intoxicating. It was infectious, and Lily couldn't help but to join him.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair finds waiting to be a fool's errand.

As it turns out, getting your throne back isn't particularly difficult when the challenger disappears, and the accomplice confesses all their treasonous misdeeds in writing. Eamon and Connor both relinquished their letters from Isolde to enter into the official record, although Teagan did not. Alistair wished now he had the indecency to read Teagan's letter when he had the chance. 

Unfortunately, the terrible nature of her crimes, did nothing to soften anyone's grief. Even Alistair found himself mourning not just Isolde, but what their relationship could have been like, had she trusted Eamon. Connor writes from the Circle, and mentions her often. His misses his mother greatly, as any young boy would. His father and uncle, however, go to great lengths to avoid the subject altogether.

Although Connor had written to him three times since being sent to the Circle a few months ago, this was the first time Alistair sat down and attempted to return the gesture, and he was regretting every second of it. _Would I be doing this at all if Connor's letter hadn't mentioned Lily?_ He doubted it. Connor had divulged that, once a month, a messenger sent by his 'Auntie Lily' arrived to Kinloch Circle with books and comfort items for him, which he of course shared with the other children. Since Connor wasn't knowledgeable of her whereabouts, he asked Alistair to pass along his appreciation. Her efforts went a long way in making his transition to the Circle less traumatic, even amongst his mother's death. 

Connor also asked if Lily could come and speak to the mages at the Circle. It seems many within the tower grow anxious, and talk in heated whispers; however, being the child he was, Connor couldn't discern why. Connor also wasn't aware that 'Auntie Lily' was heavy with child, and would not be able to make the trip at least for a few more months. 

Alistair wasn't sure what to tell the boy, since he'd not heard from Lily himself. He was trying to remain patient, but the more days that passed, the more Alistair wanted to journey to Soldier's Peak. _How could she not want me to be there for the birth of our child? At least Morrigan has the excuse of mutual hatred._

Alistair returned his eyes to the letter he had begun over an hour ago, which still contained only two words - _'Dear Connor.'_ _Perhaps, I should be writing to Lily instead_ , he thought. _No, I should **be** there_. Everyone's patience has a limit, and Alistair had evidently reached his. For months he had waited for her to send word, and nothing. _I'm done feeling guilty for things I can't change or control._ Alistair rose from the desk and headed for the study door, when there was a knock upon it. He opened the door to find Teagan standing there.

"There's a messenger here. The young man says his directive mandates that his missive can only be passed to the King's hand."

_Lily._ Alistair nodded and followed Teagan into the hall. En route to the main hall, Alistair obsessed over what her communication could be. He hoped for an invitation, but he could be met with a rebuke. He wondered if the time he'd given her had been a mistake. Perhaps, after all these months, she no longer loved him at all. She could have viewed his absence as cowardly, instead of patient. The mage was his own fault, after all. _I made her vulnerable, available, searching._ There'd have been no opening, had Alistair not created it.

Alistair didn't recognize the young messenger, but the boy clearly knew him, as he fell to his knees when Alistair entered the hall. He waved the young man to his feet, "I'm told you have a message exclusively for my eyes," and held out his hand.

The messenger rose, and placed the letter in the King's hand with a bow. "Thank you, your majesty." The young man gave no further information, or clue as to his origination or master, and immediately excused himself.

Alistair removed the letter and quickly scanned its contents. Brief and direct. It was a sign of an impatient Lily. Alistair ran out of the hall after the boy, catching him on the front steps and nearly startling the life from him.

"Please, Ser! I only did as I was told!"

"No, I, uh. Apologies. I didn't mean to -" Alistair shook his head, tossing off his incoherent rambling. "How is Lily? Is she well?"

"Oh, yes, of course, Ser."

"Is, um, is the blonde mage there?"

"Yessir," the young man confirmed.

_Damn_. Alistair noticed the messenger shift in place. _He wants to say something else_. "Since Lily has placed so much trust in you, I feel I can do the same." The young man smiled. Alistair continued, "I am the child's father. If something concerns you of my lady's well-being, I pray you divulge so." Alistair peered directly into the messenger's eyes. "Also, do remember, I am your King."

"Well, it's just that...the morning I left, there was an _incident_ , an accident really."

Alarm covered Alistair's face. "Tell me."

"Well, the mage, you see, he spends all of his time in the old mage's tower. The Warden went to check on him, I suppose, and fell from the steps. She was unconscious when the mage found her, but he informed us that she and the baby were alright."

_I knew it! That son-of-a-bitch can't be trusted. Not after what I saw._ "Get your horse and meet me at the front gate, boy. I'll be personally escorting you back to Soldier's Peak."

Alistair packed his horse, and mounted up outside the stable. All the while, Teagan nagging him to change his mind.

"Alistair, if you persist in doing this, I must insist you reconsider traveling without a regiment!" Teagan repeated, grabbing onto the horse's reins.

Alistair gave him a stern look, reminding Teagan who was in charge, and yanked the reins from his grasp. "Run along, Uncle. You've relinquished your right to tell me what to do."

Teagan let out a heavy sigh. "Look, Alistair. I know better than anyone what the Warden means to you, I'm not even bothering to ask you not to go. All I'm asking is for you not to go alone."

"Lily doesn't want her location known. Traveling with soldiers pretty much ensures that it will be."

"Just four soldiers then. I'll swear them to secrecy and disguise them. _Please_ , Alistair. The last thing Ferelden can withstand, is losing another King right now."

Alistair sighed. "Fine, Teagan. Hurry up."


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders begins to worry his spirit passenger may be wanting to take the reins.

For once, Anders was enjoying the quiet of the twilight hour, watching Lily sleep in the glow of the candlelight. He sat, content and pensive, in a chair next to the bed, recording his thoughts in his notebook. He found it helped him to separate his thoughts and feelings from that of Justice's.

_"I don't understand. If you love her, why wouldn't you want her to be free?"_ Justice internally questioned him.

Annoyed by the interruption, Anders rolled his eyes and sighed. He placed the notebook on the table and quietly exited their quarters, walking across the hall to the study. Anders closed the door behind him before answering Justice in a whisper. "She is already as free as a mage outside of Tevinter can get. What you're suggesting would actually put her, and every other mage, in danger. You don't understand how it works here. You can't shape things at will, like in the Fade. It wouldn't just be a single battle and then, 'yay, all the mages are free!'" Anders replied, the last part in a high-pitched, mocking tone.

_ "You also enjoy that freedom. Do you not feel responsible, no...obligated to see to it that all the mages are free from oppression?" _

"No, I don't. There are other ways to resist, other ways to fight that won't get people I care about killed, myself most certainly included."

_ "So you cling to apathy? That will change nothing." _

"What do you expect me to change? I am but _one_ mage. They are the _Chantry_ , with a legion of mage-hunting Templars at their disposal."

_ "And when the abuses are no longer hidden, but accepted enough to be committed even more frequently and right out in the open? Do you think you and your Warden will still be safe then? That you are immune?" _

Justice was baiting him, Anders knew. He had done it before, many times in fact. Anders had always taken it to mean Justice was bored, but that didn't seem to be the case this time. Perhaps, because Anders could feel the rage bubbling inside of Justice, inside of _him_. It was more intense than anything he'd ever felt, and Anders began to worry what effect the taint in his Grey Warden blood might have on his spirit passenger. "If you're going to live in _our_ world, you have to do things _our_ way. When we go to the Fade, then we can play by your rules."

_ "It's a wonder you mortals accomplish anything in your limited lifetimes, especially with that attitude." _

"I guess we're just lucky," Anders snarked.

_ "You are complacent, bribed in your content." _

"So, what if I am? Since when is being happy a crime?"

_ "When it prevents you from seeking justice." _

"Justice for _what_? _All abuses every mage suffered ever?_ How is that my responsibility?"

_ "Because, you have the power to do something about it! You may not be willing to admit it, but even you understand that you are more capable than you claim. Even before me, you were not just a mage. You knew this, boasted it, in fact. Where is **that** Anders?" _

Anders turned toward the door, thinking of Lily asleep in the next room. "You are incapable of understanding, spirit, because you've never been in love. You've never cared for anything beyond yourself."

"And, you will understand when they start burning mages on pyres in the town proper!"

*******

_ Anders saw himself standing in the courtyard of Soldier's Peak. Everything around him burned, flames towering into the sky, yet he felt no heat and heard no sound. Charred bodies littered the ground. Thinking of Lily, Anders turned toward the keep in time to see the tower come crashing down on top of it, reducing both structures to stoney rubble. He called out for her, "Lily! Lily!" Over and over, Anders shouted her name, each plea met with only silence. _

_ Suddenly, he heard a sound. A baby's cry. Anders whipped his head back and forth, desperately searching for the source, but he could see nothing but fire and destruction. As he moved toward the sound, it then appeared to originate from behind him. He turned around again, and the cry returned from his back. Anders fell to his knees and screamed, "Please, Lily! Answer me!" _

Lily put her hand on Anders chest and gently shook him, waking him from his nightmare. "Anders, I'm right here," she assured him.

He gasped, and bolted upright in the bed, causing Ser-Pounce-A-Lot to jump to the floor with an annoyed hiss. Anders was shaking, drenched in sweat, and practically panting like a dog, yet held the blankets up to his chin as if he were freezing.

Lily had never seen him like this, and immediately became concerned. "Anders, are you alright?" 

Anders' eyes were wide, panicked. _I can't breathe. I can't breathe._ The more he tried to catch his breath, the more the air seemed to elude him. He wanted to ask for her help, but could get no words out. _This is it, I'm dying._ He forced one of his hands to let go of the blanket, and abruptly grabbed Lily by the wrist. He struggled, trying to force a word free, but his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he passed out instead. 

Now, it was Lily's turn to panic. "Anders!" She called his name and shook him vigorously, but he didn't respond, nor was he breathing. She hated to do it, but slapped his face twice, leaving a hand-shaped red whelp on his cheek, and still, he did not come around. Out of options, Lily touched her index finger to Anders' chest, and gave him a light shock of lightning. Anders convulsed slightly, and his eyes opened. His skin was as pale as the linens, and glistened from the sweat. His eyes bounced around wildly, and Lily put her hand to his cheek to focus him. "Steady. You're safe. I'm right here."

Anders finally settled his eyes on hers. "Wh-where am I?"

"Soldier's Peak, Lily answered easily.

Anders sprung from the bed. "We have to get out of here!"

"What? Why?" Lily had never seen Anders behave like this. He paced between the door and the bed, ranting like he was full of crazy.

Anders shouted, throwing his arms in the air. "It's going to burn! Everyone is going to die!"

"Don't be ridiculous. The blight is over. The Architect is dead. Only Alistair knows where we are."

Anders hurried over to her and pulled her up from the bed. "We have to leave, right now!"

Lily pulled away from him, sharply dropping her hands to her belly. "Anders, you said it yourself! I cannot travel! The baby is due at any time! You just had a nightmare!" Lily grasped his hand and gave it a tug, signaling for him to join her on the bed.

_Oh, how I wish that were true_ , he thought as he sat next to her and tucked her hand to his chest. _"Did you see what I saw?"_ Anders silently asked Justice.

_"I did,"_ Justice calmly replied.

_ "Well? Was it just a dream? Or, was it a vision?" _

_ "I do not know, what is a dream?" _

_"Was it real? A prediction of events to come?"_ Anders impatiently elaborated for the spirit.

_ "Oh, yes. But, I do not think the danger immediate. Perhaps the warning is meant to prevent the events, not escape them." _

Justice had a point, and Lily was right, she couldn't travel. _"How do I prevent it?"_

_ "I do not know. Perhaps, there will be more visions." _

"Maybe if you talk about it," Lily unknowingly interrupted, attempting to gain Anders' focus.

Justice's observation wasn't a pleasant thought for Anders, nor did he want to share his vision with Lily. Adding more worry to her delicate state was something he didn't desire. _I already caused her fall._ Anders took hold of her other hand and smiled, "No, you're right. It was just a nightmare. A silly thing, really."

"Are you sure?" Lily asked, unconvinced. "You passed out, Anders. You weren't breathing," Lily pointed out, clearly still distressed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you."

"I don't think you could help it. You were positively terrified. White as a ghost! I've never seen you like this. At least, not before Justi-"

With a cast aside smile, Anders cut her off from finishing her thought, "Well, it _was_ a scary dream. All those Mabari chasing Ser-Pounce-A-Lot in the Denerim Palace courtyard," Anders shivered dramatically before he continued. "I think I'm legitimately traumatized." He successfully deflected.

Lily laughed, recalling the day they saved Mhairi's life with a simple, albeit insane, plan involving a kitten and hundreds of hungry hounds. _I should write her,_ Lily thought. "Are you _sure_ you are alright?" 

Anders soaked in the sound of her laughter, which was more comforting than the warmest, bubbled tub. "I am."

Although, she was relieved to see him calmed and smiling, Lily was still suspicious. It felt... _false_. Lily hadn't spoken directly to Justice since Anders confessed, and Anders would change the subject whenever she mentioned him. _He is trying to keep us separated_ , she realized, but couldn't fathom a reason. "Does Justice see your dreams as well?"

Thinking it would be the quickest route to her dropping the subject, Anders' first instinct was to lie to her again. "No, I don't think so." However, he quickly pulled it back. "Well, maybe. I'm not sure."

"Anders, I know this is uncomfortable for you, but if I'm to help you, you _must_ be honest with me. I need to know what you saw. And, I need to know if Justice saw it too."

Anders sighed. She wouldn't be letting this one go. "I bore sole witness to Soldier's Peak burning to the ground. Justice says he saw it as well; however, he believes the vision is meant to help me prevent the event we witnessed, not escape it."

"No wonder you were so frightened!" Lily sympathized, having been subject to nightmares of the archdemon during the blight. "I can't imagine what, or who, could cause such a scene of devastation here."

"Me either. Justice thinks there will be more visions to come, possibly enlightening us. Can't say I'm looking forward to that."

"Don't worry. I'll be right here to bring you back. Perhaps, we could even induce the visions safely through meditation. I've seen it done at the Circle. I think we should at least seek out Wynne, since I know you won't agree to me asking Irving."

"No! The last thing the Circle needs is _another_ reason to fear me."


End file.
